Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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