You smell like stripper and shame
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
