How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
