Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
