the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
