We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
