only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
