Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
