if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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