im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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