Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
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You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
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I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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