proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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