i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
