While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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