went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
