so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
