Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
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his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
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There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
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