a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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