I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
