well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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