I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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