Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
All the doctor said was why
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
