i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
