I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
