I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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