i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.