I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
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he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
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Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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