Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
