Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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