There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
