once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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