Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
