Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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