I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
