why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
