my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
