haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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