I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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