You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
