So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
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I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
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The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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