You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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