I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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