I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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