I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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