The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
