i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
