does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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