We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
