i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
