Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
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and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
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Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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