just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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