dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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