3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
